I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
