OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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