on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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