haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i just google imaged poop.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
