I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
