too bad you live with your parents still
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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