I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Enjoy the penises
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
