Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Let's get the cat blown out
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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