did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Randomize
