I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
