I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
