i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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