im drinking this country out of the recession.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
