Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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