The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
