Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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