i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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