sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
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