i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
