Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
