my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
MIDGETS
????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize