i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
