She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
