The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
