im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
