ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
