So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
