i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
