I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
