I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize