Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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