I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize