Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
