Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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