Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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