genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I am mentally ready for anal.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
