somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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