Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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