Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Randomize
