My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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