Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
