Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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