I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
