my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
