Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
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Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
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AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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