You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
