I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
