Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I don't deserve a penis
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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