Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
