Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
