Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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