Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
