she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
