The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
