There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
These tits shall not be calmed
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
