I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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