I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
