there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You left your phone here
Wait...
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